The Necessity of Creating Boundaries During Pregnancy and Postpartum
Why You Have to Start Saying “No”…
Something I’ve noticed by working closely with mothers and babies is that as soon as someone has a child under their care, the whole world wants to tell them what to do with that child. I was out with a little one last year at the pharmacy, taking baby on a walk so mom could nap. In the five minutes I was there two different women walked up with me with unsolicited advice about the baby. Nothing was wrong, nothing was out of place, he wasn’t crying. They just wanted to weigh in. I hear new moms complaining about this all the time but it seems that when a baby is born, they become a child of the village. It’s almost tribal.
Unfortunately we haven’t carried over the benefits of that tribal care for the mother. She is still virtually alone as she learns to care for this new baby while trying to recover herself. She may be trying to juggle different roles in her work and home life, trying to be the woman who “does it all”- an ideal that is often revered by society. She may be totally depleted and unsupported, while at the same time being scrutinized in her mothering. This is torturous and can leave her feeling inadequate and insecure.
And I can tell you one thing. In my line of work, I’ve never seen a bad mother. I’ve seen a woman conditioned to doubt her instincts and please others, yes. Conditioned to be anxious, absolutely. But every mother I’ve worked with, in her deepest center, only wants what is best for her child. She hurts when they hurt. Smiles when they smile. And I believe that when a mother is properly supported by her family and community, her best self emerges.
So why is it important to say no? And what do good boundaries mean during this transformative time of life?
Say No Extra Demands
Letting go of the expectations of others will free up your energy. This means you have more space to focus on yourself, your needs and your baby’s needs. It may be hard to do initially, especially for those who are people pleasers. But it’s necessary because once you are pregnant and even more so once the baby comes, you don’t have time to keep your focus on others.
This may mean saying no to phone calls or social outings with friends. It may mean saying no to certain household duties you can no longer manage. It could also mean saying no to extra demands at work, and instead delegating those elsewhere. You may also have to say no to expectations from your partner.
Say No to Unsolicited Advice
This one is huge. As I said earlier, everyone will have a story for you about their birth outcomes, ways to get baby to sleep, their colicky gassy newborns. Their intentions may be good, but it takes a lot of mental energy to listen to someone’s experience and then discern whether or not that is true (or helpful) to you.
This is especially important in regards to birth stories. No one has the same birth and there is no one size fits all approach to having the outcome that you want. If there is someone you trust and you want some support, reach out and ask! But an excess of advice can be noisy and take you away from your own innate wisdom.
The same goes for those challenging newborn days. If you want it, an expert can tell you how something is done, or how to soothe your baby or help them sleep. But sweetest way to learn is to follow your instincts and learn the cues of your unique baby. Of course if you want help, don’t hesitate to ask for it! But no one should be telling you what to do or giving suggestions unless you invite them to.
Say No to Tests or Interventions that don’t Feel Right
Medical freedom is a big subject right now, but the truth is we are all the keepers and protectors of our own bodies. And as long as a child is in her care, mothers are the keepers and protectors of their children’s bodies. This means taking responsibility for the choices you make, for better or worse.
Unfortunately medical error is still the 3rd leading cause of death in America. That accounts for medical mismanagement and accidents, as well as correctly prescribed medication. This shows that we cannot leave our well being entirely in the hands of medical professionals.
Rather it is our responsibility to get educated on the risks and benefits of ultrasounds, vaccines, medications, and interventions during labor. Once we know what we want for ourselves and our babies, we can (and should) say no to anything that doesn’t fit with those preferences. This will look different for each person, and part of my job as a doula is to help you become clear on what is true for you and your body and your baby. No one should ever make you feel coerced or pressured into a decision that doesn’t feel right.
Say No to Help that doesn’t Feel Like Help
Maybe someone is trying to send you to their chiropractor or massage therapist or energy healer, and you don’t feel aligned with the suggestion. Maybe you have a friend or family member who offers to come “help with the baby” but you really just want someone to do the dishes and some laundry. Or here is a tricky one… maybe someone wants to drop off a meal but you know they won’t respect your food choices.
It is okay so say no, thank you. It also okay to say, actually what would be really helpful is doing some laundry or picking up a meal from my favorite restaurant. I know some of you may be cringing as you read this. But the truth is that we need to set a new precedent for how women are treated in our society, especially while pregnant and as mothers. Specifically asking for what we want and need is a whole other topic and probably deserves its own post, but the initial step to that is saying no.
The act of saying no to what you don’t want, naturally opens more space for saying yes to what you do want. And if you consistently disrespect your own boundaries for the sake of keeping peace or pleasing others, you will set yourself up to be a depleted mom. We teach others how to treat us and how to respect our time and needs. Saying no and practicing good boundaries is a big part of that. And it is something women have to become more and more fierce about as they become mothers.
So good luck out there mamas, and if you need help practicing your “no” or support around how to being setting boundaries in your life, please reach out for a private consult!